Fight stance of a momma

We don't even realize  it anymore.

As wives...as moms...as women. We are constantly looking after other people.
We gotta raise them babies right.
We gotta love on our husbands and keep our marriages fresh and full of life.

We are the caterer, the personal drive, the maid, the teacher, the therapist, the lover, the friend, the disciplinary, the pastor, the administrator. You name it women carry the title. We carry all of this everyday, with out a break.

Moms, we are extraordinary.

I have noticed that as I navigate my daily duties and responsibilities I often am faced with this sense of inadequacy.

I'm not teaching my children all they need to know in their education.

I'm failing at being a house wife ...because my house is a disaster

I'm not serving my husband well because he gets my energy left overs...and on and on it goes.

As we quickly go through our daily tasks we often have these little thoughts just pass by.

I don't even realize anymore when the lies of the enemy sneak into my mind and take root. When I panic and start thinking I'm not good enough I don't seem to be able clue in.

One night last week as I was sitting in bed fussing over my latest worry, I heard the Holy Spirit yell at me loud and clear. "wake up"!

Wake up

Wake up

Wake up!!!!

Wake up to these lie that have been planted in your head that you now consider truths. Wake up to the truth that is God, that is the power of the Holy Spirit.

It was refreshing. I started to go through my day in my head and notice over and over again how many times I just pass things off as that's just how it's going to be.

I was challenged in that moment to match the faith that I claim to have up with the words coming from my mouth and the thoughts going through my head.

I looked at my defiant child that has been driving me crazy lately and instead of seeing a problem I saw opportunity for the Holy Spirit to move....and on and on it went situation after situation I saw opportunities.

So often praying for everyday little situations slip our minds. We have created this culture even as Christian where we just except that this is how it's going to be.

The Holy Spirit moved me that night. To pray. Pray for the big and ugly situations and the ity bity situations. Most of all for the situations I had excepted as this is just how it's gonna be situations.

He moved my heart and challenged me to not quit praying until all the areas of my life line up with the word of God. Not just areas, every single little situation in my life needs to line up with the word of God.

Most of all to ignore the haters. The faith suckers and all the negativity. To believe that my prayers are heard and that when I pray the word over my life they hold the power of the blood of Jesus.

My all over the place thoughts

I fought with my children for like two hours to go to bed the other night...after threatening to take away every toy and own and pretty much lock them in their room till they were 18 they finally drifted off.

 Standing at their bedroom door watching their "now very harmless looking face" dream. I stood beating myself up. This day sucked.

It was bad all the way around. The person I try so hard to be for my children was no where in site. My husband was frustrated because he had to go on a jungle trek through a massive pile of clean laundry for underwear....yup sucked

I had failed that day. Failed at parenting, at being a homemaker, at teaching my kids, at being a wife and to be honest just on overall good person. My mind was in the just don't care anymore mode.

I sat down with my bible to pray because I knew I needed it..but I really really didn't want to need it. So I read a passage.... ya got nothing. I went to pray and I just couldn't. I couldn't pray, my heart felt so messed up that I wouldn't even know where start. Everything on my mind to pray about I heard words coming back at me like..."you can't pray for that" "God will never listen if you pray for that" " you selfish girl". So I stopped.

I was like God you need to light a fire in me because clearly I feel like mine has had water thrown on it. I then watched this video that some one had posted on your destiny and how when you feel like you can't pray it's the very moment you should.

A fire lit in me. It was funny I felt like a cartoon when the light bulb turns on.

"BING"

I began to pray, (I was alone in my room lol...so I didn't give any one a scare or anything) the spirit was moving in me giving my the words. I was immediately in tears, I felt like my heart was ripping in two ,being brokenright as I sat on my bed.

Oppression and doubt fell off. For about a month I had been feeling yuck. Not  at a bad place with God just a stuck place.

As godly women one of our deepest desires is to have true community. To have a place where the relationships are deep and life giving. 99% of the we claim this is what we want or need and yet don't activity seek out the people to hold you up in the yuck. We keep it to ourselves, we push it down down down and let the gunk build up like a dirty pile of laundry. Ya....this last while I had been watching the laundry pile grow.

As my heart broke I felt this holy unsettling and God challenging my heart to seek out women who carry me through times such as these. This fire to have more then a "I'm praying for you" spoken casually here and there. A take action community.

 In this moment of I felt God naming me. Calling me as the daughter I am to him.
And challenging me to take my place as such.

I am a daughter of the King
There for I will not give in to the lies and the oppression of the enemy. I know that my bad days are have already been covered by the blood of the lamb. I know that my weaknesses are my biggest strengths because my father says where I am weak he is strong. I will not settle for surface and fake relationships. I will pursue people who lift me up who carry me who love me like Jesus...I will show others the love of my Father constantly.

So this week failed at life...yup I did and I'll
do it again and again and again. But that's ok because I know who I am, in Jesus I am
free from this awful lie of perfection. And  if I forget sometimes he is more then happy to remind me.

Scheduling conflicts

Sitting in bed chilling watching T.V last night, I was struck with a thought (that I wish would have come at like 8am instead of midnight since it kept me up for awhile thinking about it). In the show the character was given 6 months to live. All of a sudden she was doing all these outrageous and impulsive things the excuse was "I'm going to be dead soon, I want to really live."

It got me thinking...if I was given 6 months to live how would I want to spend my life?

The thought came at a good time to. As school fast approaches and activities start up again as moms lots of us are trying to write out our weekly schedules. When to get groceries, when to run the kids here or there. If your a homeschooler like me then you are trying to figure out what to teach and when. How to fit in family time, devotions, exercise and anything else you have decided to take on this coming fall.

It made me stop and think about how I would live my life if I knew that 6 months were all I had. What wouldn't make it on the schedule?

Well for one...my phone time would be strictly limited, making sure I didn't waste my time on petty Facebook arguments or ridiculous videos.

I would take the time to really sit and listen to my kids. Schedule time to specifically get to know their little hearts better and who they were created to be. That time would get changed for nothing.

I would make time to spend with the people who breath life into me.

I would spend every single second I had with my kids trying to teach them about the Love of Jesus because well, I would want them to have a good foundation.

I would make time for my husband. To love him and cherish him and put him first...that also would not be optional for change.

As I kept coming up with things I started to notice more and more that these things that I obviously held so dear to my heart...they were on the schedule the least.

I scheduled big chunks of time for things like house work and small chunks of time if any for date nights.

It made me realize that the things I am scheduling into my everyday life are good things...but they don't line up with the priorities that sit at the core of my being.

Life goes on...activities continue, we can't stop cleaning or lawn mowing and most of us aren't dying tomorrow or in six months...but all of us see how fast a week, or month or year flys by. Like come on, I swear I have been saying for 3 years "ya tomorrow I'm going to start exercising". Time flys and we are left saying "I wish I would have....."

I don't ever want to look back at these things I hold dear thinking "I always planned to....but it's to late now".

Trying to fit it all in is a huge job. But tonight I felt this was like God whispering to me, "take a minute and pray, I will help you get it right".

I know I have some praying to do and some scheduling to change!

Inside out

I had just finished a wonderful evening with wonderful ladies. We laughed, we got real, we took a break from life. It was grand....a breath of fresh air.

I got in the car, smile on my face thinking that was wonderful. Yet, there is this underlying sense of insecurity coming off the memories of the night.

Feeling like I'm in high school for thinking " oooh I wonder If I fit in" I pushed the thoughts away.

I was just getting my music all ready to jam out to on the way home when I got a text. It shook me up a bit and an insane need to be be angry, jealous and get revenge ripped through me.

I drove and as I'm driving I'm thinking about what I would "fake" say to this person if I could let loose. Or how i could get revenge...or just kind of stewing over it...over and over and over.

When I got home I walked in the door of my house....imagine with me for a second the red anger guy from inside out when he explodes, yup that was me.

Supper was still out on the table. Half of the perfectly good chicken wasted. I was ticked.

Anger...jealousy...revenge...

These emotions are ones we go through daily, and most of the time we just push them down and try to think positive.

Half the time I'm waiting for something big to throw me off my game with God....but the truth is its the little things. The everyday emotion we experience and push away. Its the thoughts we continue to entertain that are like rot to our souls.

It's that little spark of anger that keeps getting pushed down till it blows into a full blown adult tantrum, where words coming out of our mouth don't just hurt they destroy the people around us.

It's that thought that you don't fit in that eats away at your identity in Christ. Until it is not just a whisper anymore but a loud recorded voice on repeat.

It's that jealousy, that has you dreaming about the satisfaction of taking the other person down.

It's that voice that comes into your head when for the hundredth time supper is left out on the table...spouting lies that say this is how much your husband loves you, he doesn't care about anything you do in the house.

It's these things, the little everyday things that fester and grow like a disease in us. That work with all their might to pull us away from the beautiful truth and freedom and relationship that is found in Christ.

And the only reason they are able to do this is because we let them......we aren't on guard. We are so used to thinking and hearing and dealing with these thoughts and emotions that we don't know until it's to late and bitterness has set in that our eyes are opened....and it's a long journey back from bitterness.



Ephesians 6:12
12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

The day I stopped parenting my children

I've decided to stop "parenting" my children.

I know, it's a crazy and outrageous idea.

But I. AM. DONE.

I came to a realization awhile back that changed my entire outlook on parenting. I'd like to tell you about it.

Have you ever been out and about with your kiddies and become angry or shocked or embarrassed by their behavior...if your a mother absolutely you have.

Or when you are at home and you see negativity coming out of your kids or attitude and you just want to scream...and some times we do.

Yup my life.
My kids are the most wonderful people I know, they are kind and thoughtful and loving...but those little suckers get my temperature bowling on a daily basis.

I have been noticing lately actions and attitudes in my 6 year old lately that have really been frustrating me. The way he sees himself, the anxiety he carries around, the entitlement.

As I was praying about what the heck to do with this situation a revelation dropped right in my lap

We were driving somewhere...late for something, and my four year old just says mommy can I pray and he prayed for our drive that we could get there safely and fast whole following the rules.

I was so proud, I never told him to do that, he just did.

Then it hit me. I do that...that's something I do constantly is pray randomly through out my day. I have never asked the kids to do it but it's something I always do. That transferred over to my kids...

You've heard of the saying "do as I say, not as I do"

I realized that's often how I try to parent.

Even with out knowing it, I try to correct my children's behaviors by words and explanations and reason. More often then not they don't remember it, it doesn't stick and I have to remind them over and over and over.

But my kids don't learn from reasoning and explanations. My kids learn through imitating, copying, mimicking.

I've always know that you are your kids greatest influence, but it is so much more then that. Before they learn to become their own person and reason and thinking deeply they pretty much become direct products of you and your spouse.

I was thinking well I don't throw a huge tantrum in the store throwing myself down and rolling around... God nudged me and said you sure?

When something goes wrong or I don't get what I want I totally throw my own grown up tantrum..it may not look like a kids tantrum but that's because I've learned to control my anger, where they haven't. Buuuuuuut they see me complaining  either in the store or to my husband or even to my self in the car after and they mimic...they learn to handle anger and situations like I do with their own kid spin.

Realizing things like this has made me say I'm stopping lecturing and nagging at them to change their behaviors. They aren't the ones that need to learn...I am.

The more I correct the behaviors I see in them that I don't like in my self, things change. Things stick.

Once again the Lord has proved that everything he does is to help me grow, correct my character, push me closer to him.

Refining myself sets my children up for success. Learning to deal with anger better sets my children up to come out on top. Every word, every emotion, ever action shapes the foundation of who my children will be.

I am their mother and at the young age of 6, 4 and 1, they are a direct product of my character.

I am a mother. Who desperately leans on the grace of God to even breathe. The calling he has put on parents is one that demands nothing less.

But as I start on my new journey of parenting I have made a rule that I plan to live by. I will never correct my kids actions unless those very actions I am correcting in myself.

Morning is what happens when you wake up!

Hey ladies, I've been so blessed by all the women who have been following my blog and walking with our family lately it's been such a blessing, so thank you..... Tonight I just had this urge again to spill my heart out on paper...or screen. My hope and prayer is that some of you can relate!

Do you ever feel numb?
Like your just kinda floating through your days. I feel like this has been my life lately.

I'm a word girl, I know my word and am in it regularly. But I feel like lately it's been a one way relationship as far as that goes. The thing that I have had to stand on lately are the words I read in my bible, and only that.
I haven't been getting huge revelations from God or had any life changing encounters.
It was simply telling myself day in and day out to believe what the bible tells me.

I found it funny to see how when something like our financial stability was shaken my faith is rocked and tested.
I kept saying "I'm a Peter".....I can get up and preach about the love of Christ and claim I would do anything for My Jesus...but then turn around and start questioning everything as soon as my faith is tested.

It wasn't until church this past Sunday that everything fell into place.
At church our pastor said these words...

"God is more concerned about your character then your comfort"

It was something that was so hard to hear.

It wasn't like this was the main topic of the sermon or anything but just one of those passing phrases. It's hilarious to its something I know, it would probably even be something I would say to some one else, however this day it stuck with me and I was unable to listen to anything else in the service because my mind couldn't move from that phrase.

Comfort....

If you think about it from the moment we are born we are taught to reach for the things that bring us comfort. Our mothers, our blankets, soothers, favorite toys....it seems to change with age but the idea stays the same. Comfort and safety seem to be tied together and we WANT it. We will do almost anything to feel safe.

As I thought about this phrase more and more I started to reflect on these past months. I noticed a pattern when I got panicked or worried.....I would pray...but I didn't know what to pray for....I would then get angry...then turn my anger to God or if I was really scared my husband...round and round the merry go round I went.

I have prayed so many times...God we are believing for this or bring us this...or we need this.....

I was like wow I'm so annoying.....

It was this profound turning point in my heart and in our trial and my own personal growth "I said God help me to put my idea of comfort and safety aside, show me what your trying to cultivate in me how your trying to grow me"

It was the first time in months that my spirit has lined up with the word of God.
It was the first time in months that my spirit was at peace.
It was the first time in months that I was free from anger and blame and worry.

It was as if everything was lifted off of me. Let me rephrase that, everything WAS lifted off of me.

Looking at this situation and watching God pull out of me this willing, broken, fully surrendered spirit has me in complete awe.

He moves when he moves and it is always right.

He knows my person so intimately and so profoundly that it pushes me to be more like him.

We have heard the bible say "joy comes in the morning". I have heard this great quote that says morning isn't necessarily in the a.m, morning is what happens when you wake up!

Taking my eyes off the problem and putting them on the provider.

So.....today the kids and I went out and got a bunch of stuff to make one of my husbands favorite meals, we had the works. With a lovely dessert (not jello like the kids suggested). Got a bottle of sparkling water and had a hero supper for my husband.

Growth is fantastic when you get reach the realization spot of growth but the "waiting" part is difficult and often one tends to take it out on the people closest to them, even when you don't know it.

Has our situation changed, nope not really. But my perspective has....once again this God you were right...you were giving me what I need when I needed it. You knew when to push me, when to be silent, when to test me and when shout so that I woke up!

The only words I have for you Lord is thank you....

I wanted a ditch not a valley!

Perspective....

Challenge...

Exhaustion...

My life in a nut shell these days.

Lately I've been hearing tons of stories from people who are walking through devastating hardships...makes me feel all warm and cozy to know I'm not alone.

We have been waiting, hoping and praying for some guidance with my husbands job....nothing yet. It will happen, we know it! It's just the "when"...and all the stuff that comes with....

Have you ever noticed when you are in a "valley" of hardship in your life you expect it to be less of a valley and more of a very shallow ditch. Something you hit and then pop right back out of?

But a valley is so much different then a ditch. It's a slippery slope down one side and can be miles and miles of flat land with no shade to the other side. It is also so tempting to give up in the very middle since the getting to other side looks to impossible to even happen. And of course the climb out is often the hardest part about getting out of the valley...the long up hill trek that makes you wanna....well you get the picture.

Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

When I read this verse this week I was like....ok God, I could literally use those freaking eagle wings right now to fly my way out of this valley.

Learning that life doesn't stop with you when you have a trial or a hardship is the hardest thing that I have been realizing.

Even though you want to throw your time, resources and energy into solving the problem, life goes on.

My kids are still growing and needing attention and and guidance and are watching their mama oh so closely.

My house doesn't take into consideration that some days I just want to curl up and do nothing.

My husband still needs the good lovin, and the time, support, and effort of a loving wife.

So what do you do when your life doesn't let you fall apart?

Lol In my head I'm thinking fall apart anyway....but hear me out.

This is the beautiful part.

No matter what hardship you go through, no matter how deep the valley may be. Doesn't matter if it's your marriage, your finances or your kids that are falling apart.
You were never meant to be the rock.

You were never meant to be the one that holds its all together. Do you get to fall apart...no. But you do get to fall into him.

Is that not beautiful?

He carries you through the valley.
You don't have to worry that you won't make it to the other side.

He is the one that gives you strength and patience to be the mother he's called you to be.

He's the one that gives you the motivation to serve your family by doing that pile of laundry that has been looking at you for the past two days.

He's the one that brings you and your spouse closer then ever even when all odds are against you.

He's the one that gives you big picture perspective when you only see the now.

HIM

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
 I will help you.

He's so good. As a mother when I feel like I need to pour everything I have into the needs of my family it's him who is watching out for me. Taking care of me, pouring his spirit into me so that I can pour it into them.

So in hard seasons or valley days ladies, fall apart in his arms. Yell, scream, mourn...lay there in silence simply because you don't know where you start. Be angry and confused and lifeless with him . Because he is your strong and steady and your salvation, your breath... And he's got you.