The day I stopped parenting my children

I've decided to stop "parenting" my children.

I know, it's a crazy and outrageous idea.

But I. AM. DONE.

I came to a realization awhile back that changed my entire outlook on parenting. I'd like to tell you about it.

Have you ever been out and about with your kiddies and become angry or shocked or embarrassed by their behavior...if your a mother absolutely you have.

Or when you are at home and you see negativity coming out of your kids or attitude and you just want to scream...and some times we do.

Yup my life.
My kids are the most wonderful people I know, they are kind and thoughtful and loving...but those little suckers get my temperature bowling on a daily basis.

I have been noticing lately actions and attitudes in my 6 year old lately that have really been frustrating me. The way he sees himself, the anxiety he carries around, the entitlement.

As I was praying about what the heck to do with this situation a revelation dropped right in my lap

We were driving somewhere...late for something, and my four year old just says mommy can I pray and he prayed for our drive that we could get there safely and fast whole following the rules.

I was so proud, I never told him to do that, he just did.

Then it hit me. I do that...that's something I do constantly is pray randomly through out my day. I have never asked the kids to do it but it's something I always do. That transferred over to my kids...

You've heard of the saying "do as I say, not as I do"

I realized that's often how I try to parent.

Even with out knowing it, I try to correct my children's behaviors by words and explanations and reason. More often then not they don't remember it, it doesn't stick and I have to remind them over and over and over.

But my kids don't learn from reasoning and explanations. My kids learn through imitating, copying, mimicking.

I've always know that you are your kids greatest influence, but it is so much more then that. Before they learn to become their own person and reason and thinking deeply they pretty much become direct products of you and your spouse.

I was thinking well I don't throw a huge tantrum in the store throwing myself down and rolling around... God nudged me and said you sure?

When something goes wrong or I don't get what I want I totally throw my own grown up tantrum..it may not look like a kids tantrum but that's because I've learned to control my anger, where they haven't. Buuuuuuut they see me complaining  either in the store or to my husband or even to my self in the car after and they mimic...they learn to handle anger and situations like I do with their own kid spin.

Realizing things like this has made me say I'm stopping lecturing and nagging at them to change their behaviors. They aren't the ones that need to learn...I am.

The more I correct the behaviors I see in them that I don't like in my self, things change. Things stick.

Once again the Lord has proved that everything he does is to help me grow, correct my character, push me closer to him.

Refining myself sets my children up for success. Learning to deal with anger better sets my children up to come out on top. Every word, every emotion, ever action shapes the foundation of who my children will be.

I am their mother and at the young age of 6, 4 and 1, they are a direct product of my character.

I am a mother. Who desperately leans on the grace of God to even breathe. The calling he has put on parents is one that demands nothing less.

But as I start on my new journey of parenting I have made a rule that I plan to live by. I will never correct my kids actions unless those very actions I am correcting in myself.

Morning is what happens when you wake up!

Hey ladies, I've been so blessed by all the women who have been following my blog and walking with our family lately it's been such a blessing, so thank you..... Tonight I just had this urge again to spill my heart out on paper...or screen. My hope and prayer is that some of you can relate!

Do you ever feel numb?
Like your just kinda floating through your days. I feel like this has been my life lately.

I'm a word girl, I know my word and am in it regularly. But I feel like lately it's been a one way relationship as far as that goes. The thing that I have had to stand on lately are the words I read in my bible, and only that.
I haven't been getting huge revelations from God or had any life changing encounters.
It was simply telling myself day in and day out to believe what the bible tells me.

I found it funny to see how when something like our financial stability was shaken my faith is rocked and tested.
I kept saying "I'm a Peter".....I can get up and preach about the love of Christ and claim I would do anything for My Jesus...but then turn around and start questioning everything as soon as my faith is tested.

It wasn't until church this past Sunday that everything fell into place.
At church our pastor said these words...

"God is more concerned about your character then your comfort"

It was something that was so hard to hear.

It wasn't like this was the main topic of the sermon or anything but just one of those passing phrases. It's hilarious to its something I know, it would probably even be something I would say to some one else, however this day it stuck with me and I was unable to listen to anything else in the service because my mind couldn't move from that phrase.

Comfort....

If you think about it from the moment we are born we are taught to reach for the things that bring us comfort. Our mothers, our blankets, soothers, favorite toys....it seems to change with age but the idea stays the same. Comfort and safety seem to be tied together and we WANT it. We will do almost anything to feel safe.

As I thought about this phrase more and more I started to reflect on these past months. I noticed a pattern when I got panicked or worried.....I would pray...but I didn't know what to pray for....I would then get angry...then turn my anger to God or if I was really scared my husband...round and round the merry go round I went.

I have prayed so many times...God we are believing for this or bring us this...or we need this.....

I was like wow I'm so annoying.....

It was this profound turning point in my heart and in our trial and my own personal growth "I said God help me to put my idea of comfort and safety aside, show me what your trying to cultivate in me how your trying to grow me"

It was the first time in months that my spirit has lined up with the word of God.
It was the first time in months that my spirit was at peace.
It was the first time in months that I was free from anger and blame and worry.

It was as if everything was lifted off of me. Let me rephrase that, everything WAS lifted off of me.

Looking at this situation and watching God pull out of me this willing, broken, fully surrendered spirit has me in complete awe.

He moves when he moves and it is always right.

He knows my person so intimately and so profoundly that it pushes me to be more like him.

We have heard the bible say "joy comes in the morning". I have heard this great quote that says morning isn't necessarily in the a.m, morning is what happens when you wake up!

Taking my eyes off the problem and putting them on the provider.

So.....today the kids and I went out and got a bunch of stuff to make one of my husbands favorite meals, we had the works. With a lovely dessert (not jello like the kids suggested). Got a bottle of sparkling water and had a hero supper for my husband.

Growth is fantastic when you get reach the realization spot of growth but the "waiting" part is difficult and often one tends to take it out on the people closest to them, even when you don't know it.

Has our situation changed, nope not really. But my perspective has....once again this God you were right...you were giving me what I need when I needed it. You knew when to push me, when to be silent, when to test me and when shout so that I woke up!

The only words I have for you Lord is thank you....

I wanted a ditch not a valley!

Perspective....

Challenge...

Exhaustion...

My life in a nut shell these days.

Lately I've been hearing tons of stories from people who are walking through devastating hardships...makes me feel all warm and cozy to know I'm not alone.

We have been waiting, hoping and praying for some guidance with my husbands job....nothing yet. It will happen, we know it! It's just the "when"...and all the stuff that comes with....

Have you ever noticed when you are in a "valley" of hardship in your life you expect it to be less of a valley and more of a very shallow ditch. Something you hit and then pop right back out of?

But a valley is so much different then a ditch. It's a slippery slope down one side and can be miles and miles of flat land with no shade to the other side. It is also so tempting to give up in the very middle since the getting to other side looks to impossible to even happen. And of course the climb out is often the hardest part about getting out of the valley...the long up hill trek that makes you wanna....well you get the picture.

Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

When I read this verse this week I was like....ok God, I could literally use those freaking eagle wings right now to fly my way out of this valley.

Learning that life doesn't stop with you when you have a trial or a hardship is the hardest thing that I have been realizing.

Even though you want to throw your time, resources and energy into solving the problem, life goes on.

My kids are still growing and needing attention and and guidance and are watching their mama oh so closely.

My house doesn't take into consideration that some days I just want to curl up and do nothing.

My husband still needs the good lovin, and the time, support, and effort of a loving wife.

So what do you do when your life doesn't let you fall apart?

Lol In my head I'm thinking fall apart anyway....but hear me out.

This is the beautiful part.

No matter what hardship you go through, no matter how deep the valley may be. Doesn't matter if it's your marriage, your finances or your kids that are falling apart.
You were never meant to be the rock.

You were never meant to be the one that holds its all together. Do you get to fall apart...no. But you do get to fall into him.

Is that not beautiful?

He carries you through the valley.
You don't have to worry that you won't make it to the other side.

He is the one that gives you strength and patience to be the mother he's called you to be.

He's the one that gives you the motivation to serve your family by doing that pile of laundry that has been looking at you for the past two days.

He's the one that brings you and your spouse closer then ever even when all odds are against you.

He's the one that gives you big picture perspective when you only see the now.

HIM

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
 I will help you.

He's so good. As a mother when I feel like I need to pour everything I have into the needs of my family it's him who is watching out for me. Taking care of me, pouring his spirit into me so that I can pour it into them.

So in hard seasons or valley days ladies, fall apart in his arms. Yell, scream, mourn...lay there in silence simply because you don't know where you start. Be angry and confused and lifeless with him . Because he is your strong and steady and your salvation, your breath... And he's got you.

This is real life

This has been a tough week. 

Ok. I'm lying this has been a tough couple of months for our family. 

So here it goes.

I was listening to the song Desert song by Hillsongs today and it reduced me to a puddle. 

Like seriously a sobbing mess of a women. 

Since the economy kinda crashed life has been hard for us. Financially and emotionally, mentally, spiritually...you name it. 

Watching my husband go through a time when work is really slow is hard. I see the stress it puts on him as a man to provide and the outcome  being completely out of his hands. 

Hard. 

Anyway I was listening to this song and the first and second verses just got to me 

"This is my prayer in the desert

when all that's with in me feels dry

This is my prayer 

In my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides.

This is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a proved of more worth then gold so refine me Lord through the flames"

There are seasons in your life where you spend the entire time on your knees. 

Simply because thats the only thing you can do. 

It sucks.

I wish that I could say that God reaches down and makes everything Rosie again as soon as we cry out. However majority of the time he uses these situations to shape your character, your faith and draw us closer to him and equip us better for the things he has called you to do. In the end yes, you come out stronger and better then you were before but until then .......

Everything has been questioned and answers have been searched for. 

Forcing and causing me to put everything in his hands....

Somedays I don't even feel like I can pray. 

Other days I'm so fired up because I'm completely confident that God is going to do something big.

And other days I sit and question if he hears me at all. 

Total abandonment of my control, of my dreams and plans. 

Scares the crap out of me. 

In the midst of it all I had my 6 year old son come to me with a problem, a simple mundane problem. He was acting like the drama king he is....the sky was falling in his world. I just kinda smiled and explained the situation for him...not stepping in to fix it right now knowing that he needed to figure it out on his own. We prayed and he went on his way.

I love when he does that. 

When he comes to me knowing that mommy will always take care of him. I treasure those moments when he slows down and comes to me with his problems.

It hit me right then....I have heard it many times before but once again I was reminded that that is how God is with us. 

I draw closest to him when I'm in trouble and he cherishes those moments. 

Growing is painful...but it's beautiful at the same time. What I am learning through this season in our lives is that I need to embrace the friends and family I have around me. Be vulnerable and not walk through this alone......

So ladies out there who are going through one of those "seasons" your not alone...you don't have to be alone...reach out, get some of those prayer warriors on your side the ones that hold you up when you feel like you can't do it anymore. 

Have your little crying moment and then stand on the word of God and know this is only part of your story! 

Jeremiah 29:11   

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Anxiety

My mind seems to be bombarded lately with fear and anxiety. You know the kind that keeps you up late at night....or makes you want to burst into tears when you think about the whole mess of a situation. 

Ya. That kind. 

I've had to learn to grieve lately. Grieve the life I thought I would have. 

All the little ideas I had in my mind of what my perfect life "should" look like. I'm learning to grieve that life. 

Because to be honest my life looks nothing like that. I have my kids and my husband and they are wonderful. But for some reason things just weren't going the way I planned.

When that happens fear and anxiety start to consume you. 

I found myself staring into the eyes of my maker. Being asked the questions that are challenging me and pulling me very painfully out of my comfort zone. 

"Do you trust me?" 

Ugh....well God I thought I did. 

I can get up and preach to a crowd about your goodness and unfailing faithfulness with complete confidence that what I say is in fact true. It's when I myself have to let go of my idea of what life should be like and put it in the hands of my God that I revisit the foundation of why I believe what I believe. 

I read a quote the other day that says "Worry is believing God won't get it right."

Ouch...

Do I have such little faith that I don't even trust God to be God. 

Yes...yes yes yes!! 

My faith is not strong enough. 

Just like that God is like finally! 

When I admit that I am so weak that I need the Holy Spirit to even produce any kind of faith is the very moment when the Lord moves.

My eyes suddenly are clearer as I can see that my anxiety and my fear are all connected to earthly things. Things the world has told me I needed. 

I ask God for answers and he keeps saying "be kingdom minded."

Exodus 14:14 

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

He did. He won. It's done. 

It's done. 

I have to keep saying it, it's done. 

Everything I every had to be worried about was nailed to a cross and washed away. 

It's remembering that, which is why I daily have to get up and say God my emotions are telling me one thing but your word another. Help me get out of your way and let you do what only you can do...while I sit here in your peace.

Stepford wife challenge

Well I have finished my thirty day trial. 

To be honest I have been puttin off writing this. Not because I didn't learn and gain things from the experience. To be honest I don't know why. 

I think I started this trial because I wanted to have something to work towards, to feel like I was pushing myself to do something I could be proud of. 

I love my life, really I do.  All I've dreamed about since I was little is being a wife and mother....well now I am one, and even though this is the life I've always wanted, sometimes it feels dull. You need to spice it up. 

So I tried.

I don't know what I thought would come out of it. I knew I couldn't do everything, I knew I would fail. But I wanted to try.

So what have I learned. 

I have learned there is a difference between goals and desires. 

GOAL:     Something I want/ a purpose or objective to which I am unalterably commuted to accomplishing that I can achieve all by myself. I can do it and do it alone.

Desire: subjectively feels like something I want, that needs someone else's cooperation in order to accomplish it.

That is the most valuable thing I have learned. 

Why??? 

I had been mixing up my goals and desires. It causes me stress, heartbreak, and just everything awful. So getting those in perspective has changed the way I look...at everything. 

My marriage: 

Desires: To have a marriage where I give my love and have love returned to me. To have my husband take the role as the head of our house. To be partners in parenting and life. To be Madly in love. 

These are all nice desires. Some how though I let them make the shift from desire to goals. And if they weren't met, or if my husband didn't meet them I was angry, felt like a failure and so on. 

So I changed my thinking.

What is it I can do? 

Goals: Give love unconditionally to my husband. Let go of my control issues and let him be the head of the house. Actively seek ways to date.

I learned this because I tried. For a month I tried to be perfect...I guess in my mind I thought that my family would respond perfectly too. 

I was so so wrong, and I'm so glad they didn't. 

In my Parenting

Desires: Well behaved kids. Kind children. God loving children. Close relationships with my children.

These desires also were ones that turned into goals. 

If I just did this right and this right I would get this result

I found I was doing it in every area, trying to have control over everything that infact I never had control over. 

Eye opening to say the least. 

There are a ton of things that I will be continuing to do that I have learned from this trial. They are just minor things like cooking or cleaning. I now, however I am going to go through each area of my life and separate my desires and goals. Give my desires to the Lord where they should be, and work my butt off at my goals in every area. 

Thankful for this trial. I am not the same person I was when I first started, I am a completely changed person. I would do it again in a heartbeat. 

Thanks for joining me. I hope I was able to inspire you. 

My horrible no good very bad day

Week: 2

Today was one of THOSE days....

Early, way to early this morning both my boys burst into my room screaming at the top of their lungs "Merry Christmas". I then had to inform them that Christmas is  weeks away and that just because their is snow on the ground does not mean it Christmas. 

6:30am crying children. Yelling, crying children. Yelling crying children wake up baby the glorious start to my day. 

As I attempted to peel myself out of bed everything in my body screamed stay in bed and hide!! 

I stumbled down the stairs to quickly make my husbands lunch and start breakfast for my kiddies. I made great yogurt parfaits with blackberries and raspberries and granola. In mind my I was thinking pretty and yummy. 

My kids, not so much.

"I don't want berries".

"I want cereal...but there is no milk"

Two full melt downs and it wasn't even 7:30am yet. Impressive right. 

As we went on with our day and started school. My oldest sat at the table crying because he couldn't make his "h's" perfect. I tried explaining to him that they don't need to be perfect he just has to try. I also told him that he'll get better the more he practises. I then grabbed an old picture (or what I thought was an old picture) from the shelf and said look at this picture you coloured last year, it wasn't very good and you didn't stay in the lines but now that you've practised and your great at colouring. He looks at me with big watery eyes and exclaims "I coloured that yesterday".

#BIGfatmomfail 

He proceeded to spend the next half hour in his room crying and refusing to speak to me because I said he was bad at colouring. 

My day went on and on like that.

I'm not even going to get into how the oven started on fire at supper when I was baking my homemade cheese scones. 

Yes, my day was one of THOSE days.

I felt like throwing in the towel. More specifically I felt like throwing on my sweat pants and giving in...to the call of my couch. 

This is the part where I'd like to say God burst through the clouds with a great new perspective for me. 

NOPE! That most definitely did not happen. 

When I was settling into bed that night my husband leaned over to kiss his weary wife. I gave him a quick peck on the lips and snuggled into bed. He did not want a quick peck, he wanted sometime with his wife. 

That's when it became clear to me. 

In my life with all my responsibilities I have . After hard awful days like this one. This is the first thing to go. One of the very things that breathes life into me. 

The intimate, romantic, hilarious life giving moments I spend with my husband. 

Im so busy trying to be a good mother, making sure my kids are getting very thing they need every bit of my time and love. Or trying to do my wifely duties like cooking, cleaning laundry ect. Or serving everywhere an anywhere. That the very first thing in my life to get cut is our date night. Or our time together. 

Every single night at the day is done my husband gets my scraps. He gets the left overs from whatever kind of day I had.

When did I forget that he is and will always be the single most important person in my life. 

You can tell what you love by where your time, money and energy is spent. 

My Husband has been getting left in the dust. 

The Holy Spirit really took hold of my heart after that challenging me. If I say he is the most important person in my life then I need to guard our time together with more protectiveness then ever. Because the reality is we do have young kids, most days I will feel exhausted at the end of the day and he will get my scraps. That is why it is so important for me to take a stand and move my husband back into the priority spot he was met to be. 

Because at the end of the day when our family thrives, when Garrett and I love each other right, put each other first we become a team when it comes to life. Especially parenting and when we work together the way God intended our house is happier, and so much more full of love. 

We'll played God, well played.

This is the next change coming to our family. Nothing gets in the way of "mommy and daddy time".