Fight stance of a momma

We don't even realize  it anymore.

As wives...as moms...as women. We are constantly looking after other people.
We gotta raise them babies right.
We gotta love on our husbands and keep our marriages fresh and full of life.

We are the caterer, the personal drive, the maid, the teacher, the therapist, the lover, the friend, the disciplinary, the pastor, the administrator. You name it women carry the title. We carry all of this everyday, with out a break.

Moms, we are extraordinary.

I have noticed that as I navigate my daily duties and responsibilities I often am faced with this sense of inadequacy.

I'm not teaching my children all they need to know in their education.

I'm failing at being a house wife ...because my house is a disaster

I'm not serving my husband well because he gets my energy left overs...and on and on it goes.

As we quickly go through our daily tasks we often have these little thoughts just pass by.

I don't even realize anymore when the lies of the enemy sneak into my mind and take root. When I panic and start thinking I'm not good enough I don't seem to be able clue in.

One night last week as I was sitting in bed fussing over my latest worry, I heard the Holy Spirit yell at me loud and clear. "wake up"!

Wake up

Wake up

Wake up!!!!

Wake up to these lie that have been planted in your head that you now consider truths. Wake up to the truth that is God, that is the power of the Holy Spirit.

It was refreshing. I started to go through my day in my head and notice over and over again how many times I just pass things off as that's just how it's going to be.

I was challenged in that moment to match the faith that I claim to have up with the words coming from my mouth and the thoughts going through my head.

I looked at my defiant child that has been driving me crazy lately and instead of seeing a problem I saw opportunity for the Holy Spirit to move....and on and on it went situation after situation I saw opportunities.

So often praying for everyday little situations slip our minds. We have created this culture even as Christian where we just except that this is how it's going to be.

The Holy Spirit moved me that night. To pray. Pray for the big and ugly situations and the ity bity situations. Most of all for the situations I had excepted as this is just how it's gonna be situations.

He moved my heart and challenged me to not quit praying until all the areas of my life line up with the word of God. Not just areas, every single little situation in my life needs to line up with the word of God.

Most of all to ignore the haters. The faith suckers and all the negativity. To believe that my prayers are heard and that when I pray the word over my life they hold the power of the blood of Jesus.

My all over the place thoughts

I fought with my children for like two hours to go to bed the other night...after threatening to take away every toy and own and pretty much lock them in their room till they were 18 they finally drifted off.

 Standing at their bedroom door watching their "now very harmless looking face" dream. I stood beating myself up. This day sucked.

It was bad all the way around. The person I try so hard to be for my children was no where in site. My husband was frustrated because he had to go on a jungle trek through a massive pile of clean laundry for underwear....yup sucked

I had failed that day. Failed at parenting, at being a homemaker, at teaching my kids, at being a wife and to be honest just on overall good person. My mind was in the just don't care anymore mode.

I sat down with my bible to pray because I knew I needed it..but I really really didn't want to need it. So I read a passage.... ya got nothing. I went to pray and I just couldn't. I couldn't pray, my heart felt so messed up that I wouldn't even know where start. Everything on my mind to pray about I heard words coming back at me like..."you can't pray for that" "God will never listen if you pray for that" " you selfish girl". So I stopped.

I was like God you need to light a fire in me because clearly I feel like mine has had water thrown on it. I then watched this video that some one had posted on your destiny and how when you feel like you can't pray it's the very moment you should.

A fire lit in me. It was funny I felt like a cartoon when the light bulb turns on.

"BING"

I began to pray, (I was alone in my room lol...so I didn't give any one a scare or anything) the spirit was moving in me giving my the words. I was immediately in tears, I felt like my heart was ripping in two ,being brokenright as I sat on my bed.

Oppression and doubt fell off. For about a month I had been feeling yuck. Not  at a bad place with God just a stuck place.

As godly women one of our deepest desires is to have true community. To have a place where the relationships are deep and life giving. 99% of the we claim this is what we want or need and yet don't activity seek out the people to hold you up in the yuck. We keep it to ourselves, we push it down down down and let the gunk build up like a dirty pile of laundry. Ya....this last while I had been watching the laundry pile grow.

As my heart broke I felt this holy unsettling and God challenging my heart to seek out women who carry me through times such as these. This fire to have more then a "I'm praying for you" spoken casually here and there. A take action community.

 In this moment of I felt God naming me. Calling me as the daughter I am to him.
And challenging me to take my place as such.

I am a daughter of the King
There for I will not give in to the lies and the oppression of the enemy. I know that my bad days are have already been covered by the blood of the lamb. I know that my weaknesses are my biggest strengths because my father says where I am weak he is strong. I will not settle for surface and fake relationships. I will pursue people who lift me up who carry me who love me like Jesus...I will show others the love of my Father constantly.

So this week failed at life...yup I did and I'll
do it again and again and again. But that's ok because I know who I am, in Jesus I am
free from this awful lie of perfection. And  if I forget sometimes he is more then happy to remind me.

Scheduling conflicts

Sitting in bed chilling watching T.V last night, I was struck with a thought (that I wish would have come at like 8am instead of midnight since it kept me up for awhile thinking about it). In the show the character was given 6 months to live. All of a sudden she was doing all these outrageous and impulsive things the excuse was "I'm going to be dead soon, I want to really live."

It got me thinking...if I was given 6 months to live how would I want to spend my life?

The thought came at a good time to. As school fast approaches and activities start up again as moms lots of us are trying to write out our weekly schedules. When to get groceries, when to run the kids here or there. If your a homeschooler like me then you are trying to figure out what to teach and when. How to fit in family time, devotions, exercise and anything else you have decided to take on this coming fall.

It made me stop and think about how I would live my life if I knew that 6 months were all I had. What wouldn't make it on the schedule?

Well for one...my phone time would be strictly limited, making sure I didn't waste my time on petty Facebook arguments or ridiculous videos.

I would take the time to really sit and listen to my kids. Schedule time to specifically get to know their little hearts better and who they were created to be. That time would get changed for nothing.

I would make time to spend with the people who breath life into me.

I would spend every single second I had with my kids trying to teach them about the Love of Jesus because well, I would want them to have a good foundation.

I would make time for my husband. To love him and cherish him and put him first...that also would not be optional for change.

As I kept coming up with things I started to notice more and more that these things that I obviously held so dear to my heart...they were on the schedule the least.

I scheduled big chunks of time for things like house work and small chunks of time if any for date nights.

It made me realize that the things I am scheduling into my everyday life are good things...but they don't line up with the priorities that sit at the core of my being.

Life goes on...activities continue, we can't stop cleaning or lawn mowing and most of us aren't dying tomorrow or in six months...but all of us see how fast a week, or month or year flys by. Like come on, I swear I have been saying for 3 years "ya tomorrow I'm going to start exercising". Time flys and we are left saying "I wish I would have....."

I don't ever want to look back at these things I hold dear thinking "I always planned to....but it's to late now".

Trying to fit it all in is a huge job. But tonight I felt this was like God whispering to me, "take a minute and pray, I will help you get it right".

I know I have some praying to do and some scheduling to change!

Inside out

I had just finished a wonderful evening with wonderful ladies. We laughed, we got real, we took a break from life. It was grand....a breath of fresh air.

I got in the car, smile on my face thinking that was wonderful. Yet, there is this underlying sense of insecurity coming off the memories of the night.

Feeling like I'm in high school for thinking " oooh I wonder If I fit in" I pushed the thoughts away.

I was just getting my music all ready to jam out to on the way home when I got a text. It shook me up a bit and an insane need to be be angry, jealous and get revenge ripped through me.

I drove and as I'm driving I'm thinking about what I would "fake" say to this person if I could let loose. Or how i could get revenge...or just kind of stewing over it...over and over and over.

When I got home I walked in the door of my house....imagine with me for a second the red anger guy from inside out when he explodes, yup that was me.

Supper was still out on the table. Half of the perfectly good chicken wasted. I was ticked.

Anger...jealousy...revenge...

These emotions are ones we go through daily, and most of the time we just push them down and try to think positive.

Half the time I'm waiting for something big to throw me off my game with God....but the truth is its the little things. The everyday emotion we experience and push away. Its the thoughts we continue to entertain that are like rot to our souls.

It's that little spark of anger that keeps getting pushed down till it blows into a full blown adult tantrum, where words coming out of our mouth don't just hurt they destroy the people around us.

It's that thought that you don't fit in that eats away at your identity in Christ. Until it is not just a whisper anymore but a loud recorded voice on repeat.

It's that jealousy, that has you dreaming about the satisfaction of taking the other person down.

It's that voice that comes into your head when for the hundredth time supper is left out on the table...spouting lies that say this is how much your husband loves you, he doesn't care about anything you do in the house.

It's these things, the little everyday things that fester and grow like a disease in us. That work with all their might to pull us away from the beautiful truth and freedom and relationship that is found in Christ.

And the only reason they are able to do this is because we let them......we aren't on guard. We are so used to thinking and hearing and dealing with these thoughts and emotions that we don't know until it's to late and bitterness has set in that our eyes are opened....and it's a long journey back from bitterness.



Ephesians 6:12
12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

The day I stopped parenting my children

I've decided to stop "parenting" my children.

I know, it's a crazy and outrageous idea.

But I. AM. DONE.

I came to a realization awhile back that changed my entire outlook on parenting. I'd like to tell you about it.

Have you ever been out and about with your kiddies and become angry or shocked or embarrassed by their behavior...if your a mother absolutely you have.

Or when you are at home and you see negativity coming out of your kids or attitude and you just want to scream...and some times we do.

Yup my life.
My kids are the most wonderful people I know, they are kind and thoughtful and loving...but those little suckers get my temperature bowling on a daily basis.

I have been noticing lately actions and attitudes in my 6 year old lately that have really been frustrating me. The way he sees himself, the anxiety he carries around, the entitlement.

As I was praying about what the heck to do with this situation a revelation dropped right in my lap

We were driving somewhere...late for something, and my four year old just says mommy can I pray and he prayed for our drive that we could get there safely and fast whole following the rules.

I was so proud, I never told him to do that, he just did.

Then it hit me. I do that...that's something I do constantly is pray randomly through out my day. I have never asked the kids to do it but it's something I always do. That transferred over to my kids...

You've heard of the saying "do as I say, not as I do"

I realized that's often how I try to parent.

Even with out knowing it, I try to correct my children's behaviors by words and explanations and reason. More often then not they don't remember it, it doesn't stick and I have to remind them over and over and over.

But my kids don't learn from reasoning and explanations. My kids learn through imitating, copying, mimicking.

I've always know that you are your kids greatest influence, but it is so much more then that. Before they learn to become their own person and reason and thinking deeply they pretty much become direct products of you and your spouse.

I was thinking well I don't throw a huge tantrum in the store throwing myself down and rolling around... God nudged me and said you sure?

When something goes wrong or I don't get what I want I totally throw my own grown up tantrum..it may not look like a kids tantrum but that's because I've learned to control my anger, where they haven't. Buuuuuuut they see me complaining  either in the store or to my husband or even to my self in the car after and they mimic...they learn to handle anger and situations like I do with their own kid spin.

Realizing things like this has made me say I'm stopping lecturing and nagging at them to change their behaviors. They aren't the ones that need to learn...I am.

The more I correct the behaviors I see in them that I don't like in my self, things change. Things stick.

Once again the Lord has proved that everything he does is to help me grow, correct my character, push me closer to him.

Refining myself sets my children up for success. Learning to deal with anger better sets my children up to come out on top. Every word, every emotion, ever action shapes the foundation of who my children will be.

I am their mother and at the young age of 6, 4 and 1, they are a direct product of my character.

I am a mother. Who desperately leans on the grace of God to even breathe. The calling he has put on parents is one that demands nothing less.

But as I start on my new journey of parenting I have made a rule that I plan to live by. I will never correct my kids actions unless those very actions I am correcting in myself.

Morning is what happens when you wake up!

Hey ladies, I've been so blessed by all the women who have been following my blog and walking with our family lately it's been such a blessing, so thank you..... Tonight I just had this urge again to spill my heart out on paper...or screen. My hope and prayer is that some of you can relate!

Do you ever feel numb?
Like your just kinda floating through your days. I feel like this has been my life lately.

I'm a word girl, I know my word and am in it regularly. But I feel like lately it's been a one way relationship as far as that goes. The thing that I have had to stand on lately are the words I read in my bible, and only that.
I haven't been getting huge revelations from God or had any life changing encounters.
It was simply telling myself day in and day out to believe what the bible tells me.

I found it funny to see how when something like our financial stability was shaken my faith is rocked and tested.
I kept saying "I'm a Peter".....I can get up and preach about the love of Christ and claim I would do anything for My Jesus...but then turn around and start questioning everything as soon as my faith is tested.

It wasn't until church this past Sunday that everything fell into place.
At church our pastor said these words...

"God is more concerned about your character then your comfort"

It was something that was so hard to hear.

It wasn't like this was the main topic of the sermon or anything but just one of those passing phrases. It's hilarious to its something I know, it would probably even be something I would say to some one else, however this day it stuck with me and I was unable to listen to anything else in the service because my mind couldn't move from that phrase.

Comfort....

If you think about it from the moment we are born we are taught to reach for the things that bring us comfort. Our mothers, our blankets, soothers, favorite toys....it seems to change with age but the idea stays the same. Comfort and safety seem to be tied together and we WANT it. We will do almost anything to feel safe.

As I thought about this phrase more and more I started to reflect on these past months. I noticed a pattern when I got panicked or worried.....I would pray...but I didn't know what to pray for....I would then get angry...then turn my anger to God or if I was really scared my husband...round and round the merry go round I went.

I have prayed so many times...God we are believing for this or bring us this...or we need this.....

I was like wow I'm so annoying.....

It was this profound turning point in my heart and in our trial and my own personal growth "I said God help me to put my idea of comfort and safety aside, show me what your trying to cultivate in me how your trying to grow me"

It was the first time in months that my spirit has lined up with the word of God.
It was the first time in months that my spirit was at peace.
It was the first time in months that I was free from anger and blame and worry.

It was as if everything was lifted off of me. Let me rephrase that, everything WAS lifted off of me.

Looking at this situation and watching God pull out of me this willing, broken, fully surrendered spirit has me in complete awe.

He moves when he moves and it is always right.

He knows my person so intimately and so profoundly that it pushes me to be more like him.

We have heard the bible say "joy comes in the morning". I have heard this great quote that says morning isn't necessarily in the a.m, morning is what happens when you wake up!

Taking my eyes off the problem and putting them on the provider.

So.....today the kids and I went out and got a bunch of stuff to make one of my husbands favorite meals, we had the works. With a lovely dessert (not jello like the kids suggested). Got a bottle of sparkling water and had a hero supper for my husband.

Growth is fantastic when you get reach the realization spot of growth but the "waiting" part is difficult and often one tends to take it out on the people closest to them, even when you don't know it.

Has our situation changed, nope not really. But my perspective has....once again this God you were right...you were giving me what I need when I needed it. You knew when to push me, when to be silent, when to test me and when shout so that I woke up!

The only words I have for you Lord is thank you....

I wanted a ditch not a valley!

Perspective....

Challenge...

Exhaustion...

My life in a nut shell these days.

Lately I've been hearing tons of stories from people who are walking through devastating hardships...makes me feel all warm and cozy to know I'm not alone.

We have been waiting, hoping and praying for some guidance with my husbands job....nothing yet. It will happen, we know it! It's just the "when"...and all the stuff that comes with....

Have you ever noticed when you are in a "valley" of hardship in your life you expect it to be less of a valley and more of a very shallow ditch. Something you hit and then pop right back out of?

But a valley is so much different then a ditch. It's a slippery slope down one side and can be miles and miles of flat land with no shade to the other side. It is also so tempting to give up in the very middle since the getting to other side looks to impossible to even happen. And of course the climb out is often the hardest part about getting out of the valley...the long up hill trek that makes you wanna....well you get the picture.

Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

When I read this verse this week I was like....ok God, I could literally use those freaking eagle wings right now to fly my way out of this valley.

Learning that life doesn't stop with you when you have a trial or a hardship is the hardest thing that I have been realizing.

Even though you want to throw your time, resources and energy into solving the problem, life goes on.

My kids are still growing and needing attention and and guidance and are watching their mama oh so closely.

My house doesn't take into consideration that some days I just want to curl up and do nothing.

My husband still needs the good lovin, and the time, support, and effort of a loving wife.

So what do you do when your life doesn't let you fall apart?

Lol In my head I'm thinking fall apart anyway....but hear me out.

This is the beautiful part.

No matter what hardship you go through, no matter how deep the valley may be. Doesn't matter if it's your marriage, your finances or your kids that are falling apart.
You were never meant to be the rock.

You were never meant to be the one that holds its all together. Do you get to fall apart...no. But you do get to fall into him.

Is that not beautiful?

He carries you through the valley.
You don't have to worry that you won't make it to the other side.

He is the one that gives you strength and patience to be the mother he's called you to be.

He's the one that gives you the motivation to serve your family by doing that pile of laundry that has been looking at you for the past two days.

He's the one that brings you and your spouse closer then ever even when all odds are against you.

He's the one that gives you big picture perspective when you only see the now.

HIM

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
 I will help you.

He's so good. As a mother when I feel like I need to pour everything I have into the needs of my family it's him who is watching out for me. Taking care of me, pouring his spirit into me so that I can pour it into them.

So in hard seasons or valley days ladies, fall apart in his arms. Yell, scream, mourn...lay there in silence simply because you don't know where you start. Be angry and confused and lifeless with him . Because he is your strong and steady and your salvation, your breath... And he's got you.

This is real life

This has been a tough week. 

Ok. I'm lying this has been a tough couple of months for our family. 

So here it goes.

I was listening to the song Desert song by Hillsongs today and it reduced me to a puddle. 

Like seriously a sobbing mess of a women. 

Since the economy kinda crashed life has been hard for us. Financially and emotionally, mentally, spiritually...you name it. 

Watching my husband go through a time when work is really slow is hard. I see the stress it puts on him as a man to provide and the outcome  being completely out of his hands. 

Hard. 

Anyway I was listening to this song and the first and second verses just got to me 

"This is my prayer in the desert

when all that's with in me feels dry

This is my prayer 

In my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides.

This is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a proved of more worth then gold so refine me Lord through the flames"

There are seasons in your life where you spend the entire time on your knees. 

Simply because thats the only thing you can do. 

It sucks.

I wish that I could say that God reaches down and makes everything Rosie again as soon as we cry out. However majority of the time he uses these situations to shape your character, your faith and draw us closer to him and equip us better for the things he has called you to do. In the end yes, you come out stronger and better then you were before but until then .......

Everything has been questioned and answers have been searched for. 

Forcing and causing me to put everything in his hands....

Somedays I don't even feel like I can pray. 

Other days I'm so fired up because I'm completely confident that God is going to do something big.

And other days I sit and question if he hears me at all. 

Total abandonment of my control, of my dreams and plans. 

Scares the crap out of me. 

In the midst of it all I had my 6 year old son come to me with a problem, a simple mundane problem. He was acting like the drama king he is....the sky was falling in his world. I just kinda smiled and explained the situation for him...not stepping in to fix it right now knowing that he needed to figure it out on his own. We prayed and he went on his way.

I love when he does that. 

When he comes to me knowing that mommy will always take care of him. I treasure those moments when he slows down and comes to me with his problems.

It hit me right then....I have heard it many times before but once again I was reminded that that is how God is with us. 

I draw closest to him when I'm in trouble and he cherishes those moments. 

Growing is painful...but it's beautiful at the same time. What I am learning through this season in our lives is that I need to embrace the friends and family I have around me. Be vulnerable and not walk through this alone......

So ladies out there who are going through one of those "seasons" your not alone...you don't have to be alone...reach out, get some of those prayer warriors on your side the ones that hold you up when you feel like you can't do it anymore. 

Have your little crying moment and then stand on the word of God and know this is only part of your story! 

Jeremiah 29:11   

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Anxiety

My mind seems to be bombarded lately with fear and anxiety. You know the kind that keeps you up late at night....or makes you want to burst into tears when you think about the whole mess of a situation. 

Ya. That kind. 

I've had to learn to grieve lately. Grieve the life I thought I would have. 

All the little ideas I had in my mind of what my perfect life "should" look like. I'm learning to grieve that life. 

Because to be honest my life looks nothing like that. I have my kids and my husband and they are wonderful. But for some reason things just weren't going the way I planned.

When that happens fear and anxiety start to consume you. 

I found myself staring into the eyes of my maker. Being asked the questions that are challenging me and pulling me very painfully out of my comfort zone. 

"Do you trust me?" 

Ugh....well God I thought I did. 

I can get up and preach to a crowd about your goodness and unfailing faithfulness with complete confidence that what I say is in fact true. It's when I myself have to let go of my idea of what life should be like and put it in the hands of my God that I revisit the foundation of why I believe what I believe. 

I read a quote the other day that says "Worry is believing God won't get it right."

Ouch...

Do I have such little faith that I don't even trust God to be God. 

Yes...yes yes yes!! 

My faith is not strong enough. 

Just like that God is like finally! 

When I admit that I am so weak that I need the Holy Spirit to even produce any kind of faith is the very moment when the Lord moves.

My eyes suddenly are clearer as I can see that my anxiety and my fear are all connected to earthly things. Things the world has told me I needed. 

I ask God for answers and he keeps saying "be kingdom minded."

Exodus 14:14 

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

He did. He won. It's done. 

It's done. 

I have to keep saying it, it's done. 

Everything I every had to be worried about was nailed to a cross and washed away. 

It's remembering that, which is why I daily have to get up and say God my emotions are telling me one thing but your word another. Help me get out of your way and let you do what only you can do...while I sit here in your peace.

Stepford wife challenge

Well I have finished my thirty day trial. 

To be honest I have been puttin off writing this. Not because I didn't learn and gain things from the experience. To be honest I don't know why. 

I think I started this trial because I wanted to have something to work towards, to feel like I was pushing myself to do something I could be proud of. 

I love my life, really I do.  All I've dreamed about since I was little is being a wife and mother....well now I am one, and even though this is the life I've always wanted, sometimes it feels dull. You need to spice it up. 

So I tried.

I don't know what I thought would come out of it. I knew I couldn't do everything, I knew I would fail. But I wanted to try.

So what have I learned. 

I have learned there is a difference between goals and desires. 

GOAL:     Something I want/ a purpose or objective to which I am unalterably commuted to accomplishing that I can achieve all by myself. I can do it and do it alone.

Desire: subjectively feels like something I want, that needs someone else's cooperation in order to accomplish it.

That is the most valuable thing I have learned. 

Why??? 

I had been mixing up my goals and desires. It causes me stress, heartbreak, and just everything awful. So getting those in perspective has changed the way I look...at everything. 

My marriage: 

Desires: To have a marriage where I give my love and have love returned to me. To have my husband take the role as the head of our house. To be partners in parenting and life. To be Madly in love. 

These are all nice desires. Some how though I let them make the shift from desire to goals. And if they weren't met, or if my husband didn't meet them I was angry, felt like a failure and so on. 

So I changed my thinking.

What is it I can do? 

Goals: Give love unconditionally to my husband. Let go of my control issues and let him be the head of the house. Actively seek ways to date.

I learned this because I tried. For a month I tried to be perfect...I guess in my mind I thought that my family would respond perfectly too. 

I was so so wrong, and I'm so glad they didn't. 

In my Parenting

Desires: Well behaved kids. Kind children. God loving children. Close relationships with my children.

These desires also were ones that turned into goals. 

If I just did this right and this right I would get this result

I found I was doing it in every area, trying to have control over everything that infact I never had control over. 

Eye opening to say the least. 

There are a ton of things that I will be continuing to do that I have learned from this trial. They are just minor things like cooking or cleaning. I now, however I am going to go through each area of my life and separate my desires and goals. Give my desires to the Lord where they should be, and work my butt off at my goals in every area. 

Thankful for this trial. I am not the same person I was when I first started, I am a completely changed person. I would do it again in a heartbeat. 

Thanks for joining me. I hope I was able to inspire you. 

My horrible no good very bad day

Week: 2

Today was one of THOSE days....

Early, way to early this morning both my boys burst into my room screaming at the top of their lungs "Merry Christmas". I then had to inform them that Christmas is  weeks away and that just because their is snow on the ground does not mean it Christmas. 

6:30am crying children. Yelling, crying children. Yelling crying children wake up baby the glorious start to my day. 

As I attempted to peel myself out of bed everything in my body screamed stay in bed and hide!! 

I stumbled down the stairs to quickly make my husbands lunch and start breakfast for my kiddies. I made great yogurt parfaits with blackberries and raspberries and granola. In mind my I was thinking pretty and yummy. 

My kids, not so much.

"I don't want berries".

"I want cereal...but there is no milk"

Two full melt downs and it wasn't even 7:30am yet. Impressive right. 

As we went on with our day and started school. My oldest sat at the table crying because he couldn't make his "h's" perfect. I tried explaining to him that they don't need to be perfect he just has to try. I also told him that he'll get better the more he practises. I then grabbed an old picture (or what I thought was an old picture) from the shelf and said look at this picture you coloured last year, it wasn't very good and you didn't stay in the lines but now that you've practised and your great at colouring. He looks at me with big watery eyes and exclaims "I coloured that yesterday".

#BIGfatmomfail 

He proceeded to spend the next half hour in his room crying and refusing to speak to me because I said he was bad at colouring. 

My day went on and on like that.

I'm not even going to get into how the oven started on fire at supper when I was baking my homemade cheese scones. 

Yes, my day was one of THOSE days.

I felt like throwing in the towel. More specifically I felt like throwing on my sweat pants and giving in...to the call of my couch. 

This is the part where I'd like to say God burst through the clouds with a great new perspective for me. 

NOPE! That most definitely did not happen. 

When I was settling into bed that night my husband leaned over to kiss his weary wife. I gave him a quick peck on the lips and snuggled into bed. He did not want a quick peck, he wanted sometime with his wife. 

That's when it became clear to me. 

In my life with all my responsibilities I have . After hard awful days like this one. This is the first thing to go. One of the very things that breathes life into me. 

The intimate, romantic, hilarious life giving moments I spend with my husband. 

Im so busy trying to be a good mother, making sure my kids are getting very thing they need every bit of my time and love. Or trying to do my wifely duties like cooking, cleaning laundry ect. Or serving everywhere an anywhere. That the very first thing in my life to get cut is our date night. Or our time together. 

Every single night at the day is done my husband gets my scraps. He gets the left overs from whatever kind of day I had.

When did I forget that he is and will always be the single most important person in my life. 

You can tell what you love by where your time, money and energy is spent. 

My Husband has been getting left in the dust. 

The Holy Spirit really took hold of my heart after that challenging me. If I say he is the most important person in my life then I need to guard our time together with more protectiveness then ever. Because the reality is we do have young kids, most days I will feel exhausted at the end of the day and he will get my scraps. That is why it is so important for me to take a stand and move my husband back into the priority spot he was met to be. 

Because at the end of the day when our family thrives, when Garrett and I love each other right, put each other first we become a team when it comes to life. Especially parenting and when we work together the way God intended our house is happier, and so much more full of love. 

We'll played God, well played.

This is the next change coming to our family. Nothing gets in the way of "mommy and daddy time".

Stepford wife challenge: week 1 complete

Well I survived. 

The first week of my Stepwife perfect life challenge has been insightful, challenging, inspiring and exhausting....but, I survived. 

I don't even think survived is a good way of describing it.

I thrived would be a better way of putting it. 

Going into it I was thinking hmm maybe it will be something neat to try, I might learn a few things. I see now this may just be the game changer for my life. 

I was talking with my husband as we were laying in bed yesterday, he turned to me and said "I'm really proud of you, you've done such a good job this week,

we've had a really good week."

I guess I wasn't expecting that because I was kind of floored. Looking back over the week though I realized that him and I got along really well this week. We didn't have any fights and we were really happy. 

Not that we aren't happy normally, but this week was a different kind of happy...a peaceful calm happy.

Do you ever feel as wife, especially a stay at home wife that everything you do is overlooked. That maybe no one actually sees or apprieciates what you do? 

Well I do. 

Sometimes I feel like it's just expected and certainly not appreciated.

But sitting there listening to my husband telling me that he appreciates every effort I put in this week, that I did a great job and he's proud of me. 

It wasn't the words that got me choked up. It was the look on his face, the body language he had been giving off all week. 

He was relaxed, peaceful, calm. 

Some how my crazy challenge put my husbands spirit at ease. 

Which was a goal of mine. When he walks through that front door after work I wanted him to feel like he was walking into a peaceful household. 

The Holy Spirit whispered something in my heart then, something I already knew but even so it felt like some one dropped a bucket of really icy water on me. 

I set the tone of my house. Wether it is n a caotic state or a peaceful one. I am responsible for the atmosphere of my house. 

My husband, being the head of our house sets the tone of our family. 

When he steps through that front door and the atmosphere is peaceful, it puts him at ease. Helps him to let go of the stresses of the day, which helps him to be a more loving father, husband and leader. We respond to his mood, his demeanour, his stress. When I can help him come home to a relaxing environment, I am setting up our family to win. 

So great!

This past week I didn't do everything perfect, and I probably found 100 new things to add into next week. But I am learning this everyday and kicking the laziness monster in the butt. 

This next week I am gearing up to take it to the next level, more God, more effort, better planning and we will see where that takes me. 

Oooo and this week I'm going to attempt making bread...and a bunch of other things I have no idea how to make...which is kinda exciting. Up until now my idea of cooking has kinda been how simple can I make it...and can I order it in. Soooo we will see! Especially since on Halloween I ate like a years share of candy.....#hormones

It been an awesome blessing walking through this with all of you, thanks for all the encouragement! 

Stepford wife challenge

Well I'm three days into my Stepford wife challenge and it has been so interesting. I'm learning so many things about myself and my kids, I get to come face to face with my bad habits everyday ...what a joy. 

So you have an idea of what my schedule looks like I broke a Monday down for so you can see.

MONDAY

I had set my alarm to go off at 6:45am thinking I will beat my kids up. I'll be able to prepare breakfast and have it waiting for them and my husband when they get up. I was thinking Proverbs 31:15   She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and organizes work for her servant girls.

(Man I wish I had servant girls...can I get a heck yes!)

I was all like yea I got this, I even prepped my banana muffins the night before thinking I'd be ahead of the game. 

The little rotters beat me up...nothing like waking up to your three year old telling you he took his pull up off during the night and peed the bed. YIPPIE 

So anyway I cleaned up the mess and proceeded to make my muffins thinking, look at the new Martha Stewart over here.......only to have my kids wine that they didn't like them.

Yes, the beast in me stared to stir...I felt like yelling "the go ahead and starve!". I held my tounge though and kept telling myself that the Holy Spirit gives peace and patience and that's exactly what I got when I asked "Holy spirit please help me to complete these goals I have with kindness and patience". That's when I had my first revelation. How often do I stop and pray in the moment of the situation I am going through. Not enough! 

It gave me that extra little push I needed. 

We finished our morning devotions and moved on. 

So I had the kids do their chores and ready for the day. I did my devotions while they watched right now media on their iPads. We then started school. 

Each week I do a theme with them just to make it a bit interesting. This week is ocean and we are learning with ocean themes in every subject. Everything from what sinks and what floats to goldfish math it's been a blast. 

 Then came my first real test of the day, nap time. Usually the boys would play their IPADS, Esmae and mommy would lay down. 

I put Esmae down fighting the hundred different excuses in my head at that point as to why I should lay down even just for a bit. I tried coffee...Yuck yuck yuck. Could not hold my coffee down at all soooo I had to fly solo. So I trudged on. 

My goodness, during that nap time I was able to clean the entire house with out kids distracting me. It was wonderful! 

I fought the exhaustion through that hour but in the end it just was so much better for everyone. 

We finished the rest of our school and went onto lunch. Our devos at lunch were about being appreciative...anyone guess what example I used?? At the end of lunch I had my 5 year old come up to me and apologize for being difficult in the morning. 

I wept...wept like a little baby. 

I am so quick to yell in a situation that it usually kills any opportunity I have to teach my kids. Even though I apologize after for yelling the moment is gone and they don't have the same perspective on it at all. Eye opener #2.

We went on with our day reading, laughing and I caught up on all the laundry (That never ever happens...like I've been married for 7 years and this is the first time.) 

I prepped my supper which was mozzarella stuffed meatballs in the slow cooker with low carb spaghetti. On Monday's I teach dance so I often get the sitter to make frozen pizza. It was so nice smelling the succulent smell meatballs all afternoon. 

I taught dance, came home to a clean house. 

That just doesn't happen. It was beautiful.

Until I walked to the bathroom to find underwear and socks on the floor and toothpaste everywhere. I took and deep breath and spent the 3 seconds cleaning it up this time instead of the 5 minutes lecturing my husband about all the work I had done that day and how his socks on the floor is a sign he is saying I don't care about anything you do. That was a real test ladies.

I prepped school, food and dance classes for the next day and crawled into bed for a nice cuddle with my husband before sleep. 

I then noticed something. 

My mind was clear.

Like really really clear and peaceful.

I often struggle with anxiety, especially at night. That night was different. My mind was clear and peaceful. 

I made the connection really fast but it was bang on. The state of my house is directly connected to my state of mind. 

I was blown away. Wow #3.

I was so ready and exhausted to go to bed that I was out by 10, which is not really normal for this night hawk.

It is crazy what setting goals for yourself changes in your life. Not only setting goals, but setting goals that are saturated in prayer and seeking God for your life. I increased my work load during the day and the amount of time and effort goes into planning the details, but I have also increased my God time which brings me peace that I cannot decribe. 

So my first three days have been busy and crazy. Filled with unexpected kid issues and learning to speak only positive and lovingly to my husband, looking my strongholds in the face and so much exhaustion I really could go on forever about it. But The thing I am taking away most so far is that the realization that I wasn't even aware of the large amount of things that were holding me back in my life that I was willingly giving into. 

It's a learning process and I'm excited to see where God is going to take me to with this. 

Here we go

Tonight I went and got all my last minuet Preperations for my 30day Stepford wife trial. 

One of my priorities on my list was to make healthy meals for my family. Low to no sugar and old fashioned cooking. 

Well let me tell you that is harder then it looks. I've always known that there is tons and tons of unhealthy processed food out there, but for some reason tonight at the grocery store I became extra aware of it. 

I mean I could cook and entire thanksgiving or Christmas meal and not actually do any cooking. Everything your mind can think of is in a box, or microwave friendly, or found in the frozen food isle. 

I had this moment of guilt when I found myself standing holding a box of frozen cheesy biscuits and thinking hmmm these look amazing....like red lobster biscuit amazing. While I was standing in the frozen food isle I had an inner and outer battle of do I put these in my cart or not. So I thought about what would my idea of the perfect Stepford wife/mother do...of course the conclusion I came to was bake her own.

I'm pretty sure the people passing me were thinking I was crazy putting the the biscuits in the freezer and taking them out again...then bursting into laughter at the idea of baking biscuits. 

In the end I put the biscuits back and challenged myself to once again really go all in for these thirty days and try to baking my own. 

I don't know if it's because I'm to exhausted that I don't do things like bake buns and bread for my family. Or if it's out of the convenience of having it right there only a start button away. Or if it's because I don't have time. 

I often use the excuse I don't have time then do something like watch TV like a zombie for 4 hours at night. 

Anyway I was challenged tonight to try for the best, cleanest, and yummiest food for my family this month with the majority being from SCRATCH! 

HA! We will see how that plays out. 

I haven't even stared my 30 days yet and I'm already struggling with the many excuses in my mind that daily plague me. 

But I am ready to go now, tomorrow I trade in my nice warm comfy PJs and husbands T-Shirt for a frilly apron and cooking book! 

HERE WE GO! 

My perfect life -Prep

I have been making list after list of what my "perfect life" would look like. 

So far I have the following:

Cleaning list

Meal plan list

Activity list 

Goal list 

I even have a list with time slots to make other lists

So I sat down and thought about what are my goals for this experiment with the different roles I play in my life. 

As a mother: 

- Do devotions with them morning & evening.

-Putting aside time to spend with each child. 

- Cut out TV and help them find other activites to do 

- Healthy snacks that are not processed 

( I'm going to attempt to make everything from Scratch) 

Wife:

- Take one night a week to devote all attention to my husband 

-Pray together every night 

-Only positive uplifting words come out of my mouth about him 

-Relinquish  my need to control everything and let him be the head of the house 

Friend 

- Take time to spend pouring into the people I treasure in my life 

Christian:

-Reading my bible twice a day

-Having a specific prayer time set apart 

-Find time in my day to serve those around me 

Homemaker: 

-Clean house every night before I go to sleep

-Not letting laziness take over when I should be cleaning or organizing or cooking 

- 3 square meals a day with food preparation the night before 

-Be freshened up everyday when my husband arrives home 

-Strive to make everything from scratch

Dance teacher

- Plan meaningful devotions 

- Have my lessons planned out perfectly 

- Go above and beyond my role

Worship leader

-To spend the time in prayer needed to lead a team 

-Spend the time to work on the music musically before worship 

- Come with a plan 

- Be genuinely interested in what my team members are going through 

Homeschooling parent:

- Plan out each lesson for each kid

- Be creative and fun 

- Complete all 4 days of school each week 

-Each child gets one on one time 

-Be patient and encouraging

Women: 

-Find me time 

-Pamper myself

- Spend time on a hobby 

Healthy me:

-Exercise daily 

-No eating after 730pm

-Lights out at 1030pm

- Eat whole meals (no processed food)

-Limit amount of sugar 

- Eat breakfast 

- No ordering in 

Going through and making all these goals was a little overwhelming. Achieving Stepford wife awesomeness looks like it will prove to be a challenge. 

Along with my goals I have written out schedules for my days, what goes where and what I must do when. 

What I found interesting was when I got to some of the things on my list that I decided had to go for this months trial to work I got extremely defensive. 

Napping was one of them. 

I have an 11 month old cutie who is pretty amazing, I'm absolutely loving having a girl. However my little diva is still getting up 5 times a night which can make for a tired mommy. I have decided though that the perfect housewife wouldn't take naps, so for the sake of the experiment I'm cutting my naps and taking up coffee! Which is kind of a bit scary since I have never had a cup of coffee in my life....we will see how that plays out. 

That prove though that I am already finding idols in my life, things that I am putting before everything else. I find myself already trying to think up excuses for taking a nap or not exercising or eating a bag of chips...and I love it. 

That is the exact reason I'm doing this! 

The excuses. The good intentions.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. 

I always say I want to do this or that better, lose weight, exercise more, be more patient with my kids. But instead of doing any of it I come up with award winning excuses as to why I can't or won't. 

I have decided I don't want my life to be a life of excuses or good intentions. I want it to be a life that is full of action. 

So nervous to take this journey but I am already learning things so I know this is going to be an adventure. 

My month of the perfect life.

I love Pinterest. 

It has so many great ideas about how to be a good homemaker,wife,mother, friend, how to decorate your house or teach your kids. Pretty much anything you can think of!!

I often spend hours pinning ideas and thinking about how to better myself. Sometimes I wish that I could be the "Pinterest mom". She closely resembles a version of the Proverbs 31 wife. She just seems to have it all together.

I have never had it all together, not even a bit. I'm messy and clumsy, rude and selfcentered, and so so busy....if I find time in the day to have a shower it's a win!

However, this topic of the perfect life got me thinking of something I would like to try. What if for one month I had it all together, If everything was how I envisioned it should be. If I was efficient and read my bible tons, exercised, made all healthy home cooked meals. Had my homeschooling, worship practise, dance lessons planned out to perfection. The cherry on top would that I would have loads of time to spend with my husband.

What if I had it all down? 

What if I pulled it off?

I came up with three possible outcomes. 

1. I would crash and burn with the stress pretty much in the first couple days.

2. I would fall in love with living the "perfect life"

3. I would find balance somewhere in the middle

I know that it is Jesus that I need to find my "perfect life in". However this idea had me wondering what would my life look like or how would I feel if I took every standard I hold myself to in my head and spent one month meeting all of them. 

So I thought why not try! 

The only thing I have to lose is my sanity and that clearly disappeared three kids ago. 

So I'm going to take the weekend to figure out all the schedules, meal plans and so on. Monday morning I'm going to jump into my ideal "perfect life" routine and have a little adventure. 

Hope you will join me for the journey....

Good Girl Church Face

This was a hard post to write.

 Not because I had trouble thinking of things to say. No, just because my pride took a big hit. 

I was surfing through my posts on Facebook and I came across a quote by D. L Moody that rocked me to my core.

A man ought to live so that everyone knows he's a Christian...and most of all his family ought to know.

I love Jesus. Everyday I seek to know him more...some days I fail...like really fail. Some days are awesome. Regardless of if it's an awesome day or if it's a "I'll try again tomorrow" day I have this nasty habit. One of those ones you don't want to admit.

I have a this nasty habit of putting on my good girl church face the minuet I walk out the door...and taking it off the minuet I walk back in.

Do you know the one? 

The one where I'm the perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect friend, perfectly put together person. Yup that's the one. 

For some reason when I go out the door or talk to other people I have a habit of putting on my GGCF...well let's be honest it's not a habit, it's pride. 

PRIDE 

The thing I find keeps me from Jesus most. 

I have this fear of people knowing that I mess up, that I'm not perfect. That there are days that I fail.

With my family I have days I don't care,when I don't try. They are my family they're stuck with me and will always love me. Right? 

Truth, both of those are results of pride. 

I know when I am not vulnerable and authentic with people I can potentially be robbing them of seeing Jesus and the work he doing in my life.

When I don't take the proper time to get my self focused on the Lord, I rob my husband of a wife who's focused on loving him in a godly way, and I rob my children of a mom who is focused on patience and loving them so that they see Jesus. Which ultimately is the most important thing I will do with my life. 

Pride.

It mixes up my priorities. Thinking that it's more important how everyone else sees me then how my family does. 

It gets me believing that it's more important to look perfect then to be authentic. 

Our families deserve our best. 

I want my family to see a consistant authenticness in me. One that is vulnerable and open and is always trying to get better. Most of all I want them to be able to say that Jesus was always moms priority, public,at home, that's what she strived for, and she did it well.

How in the world do you get to that place? 

 Day in day out I'm still working on it with the grace of God, I'll let you know if I ever get there! 

Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Take time to think about that quote... Maybe ask the hard questions.