Ya. That kind.
I've had to learn to grieve lately. Grieve the life I thought I would have.
All the little ideas I had in my mind of what my perfect life "should" look like. I'm learning to grieve that life.
Because to be honest my life looks nothing like that. I have my kids and my husband and they are wonderful. But for some reason things just weren't going the way I planned.
When that happens fear and anxiety start to consume you.
I found myself staring into the eyes of my maker. Being asked the questions that are challenging me and pulling me very painfully out of my comfort zone.
"Do you trust me?"
Ugh....well God I thought I did.
I can get up and preach to a crowd about your goodness and unfailing faithfulness with complete confidence that what I say is in fact true. It's when I myself have to let go of my idea of what life should be like and put it in the hands of my God that I revisit the foundation of why I believe what I believe.
I read a quote the other day that says "Worry is believing God won't get it right."
Ouch...
Do I have such little faith that I don't even trust God to be God.
Yes...yes yes yes!!
My faith is not strong enough.
Just like that God is like finally!
When I admit that I am so weak that I need the Holy Spirit to even produce any kind of faith is the very moment when the Lord moves.
My eyes suddenly are clearer as I can see that my anxiety and my fear are all connected to earthly things. Things the world has told me I needed.
I ask God for answers and he keeps saying "be kingdom minded."
Exodus 14:14
The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”
He did. He won. It's done.
It's done.
I have to keep saying it, it's done.
Everything I every had to be worried about was nailed to a cross and washed away.
It's remembering that, which is why I daily have to get up and say God my emotions are telling me one thing but your word another. Help me get out of your way and let you do what only you can do...while I sit here in your peace.
