I fought with my children for like two hours to go to bed the other night...after threatening to take away every toy and own and pretty much lock them in their room till they were 18 they finally drifted off.
Standing at their bedroom door watching their "now very harmless looking face" dream. I stood beating myself up. This day sucked.
It was bad all the way around. The person I try so hard to be for my children was no where in site. My husband was frustrated because he had to go on a jungle trek through a massive pile of clean laundry for underwear....yup sucked
I had failed that day. Failed at parenting, at being a homemaker, at teaching my kids, at being a wife and to be honest just on overall good person. My mind was in the just don't care anymore mode.
I sat down with my bible to pray because I knew I needed it..but I really really didn't want to need it. So I read a passage.... ya got nothing. I went to pray and I just couldn't. I couldn't pray, my heart felt so messed up that I wouldn't even know where start. Everything on my mind to pray about I heard words coming back at me like..."you can't pray for that" "God will never listen if you pray for that" " you selfish girl". So I stopped.
I was like God you need to light a fire in me because clearly I feel like mine has had water thrown on it. I then watched this video that some one had posted on your destiny and how when you feel like you can't pray it's the very moment you should.
A fire lit in me. It was funny I felt like a cartoon when the light bulb turns on.
"BING"
I began to pray, (I was alone in my room lol...so I didn't give any one a scare or anything) the spirit was moving in me giving my the words. I was immediately in tears, I felt like my heart was ripping in two ,being brokenright as I sat on my bed.
Oppression and doubt fell off. For about a month I had been feeling yuck. Not at a bad place with God just a stuck place.
As godly women one of our deepest desires is to have true community. To have a place where the relationships are deep and life giving. 99% of the we claim this is what we want or need and yet don't activity seek out the people to hold you up in the yuck. We keep it to ourselves, we push it down down down and let the gunk build up like a dirty pile of laundry. Ya....this last while I had been watching the laundry pile grow.
As my heart broke I felt this holy unsettling and God challenging my heart to seek out women who carry me through times such as these. This fire to have more then a "I'm praying for you" spoken casually here and there. A take action community.
In this moment of I felt God naming me. Calling me as the daughter I am to him.
And challenging me to take my place as such.
I am a daughter of the King
There for I will not give in to the lies and the oppression of the enemy. I know that my bad days are have already been covered by the blood of the lamb. I know that my weaknesses are my biggest strengths because my father says where I am weak he is strong. I will not settle for surface and fake relationships. I will pursue people who lift me up who carry me who love me like Jesus...I will show others the love of my Father constantly.
So this week failed at life...yup I did and I'll
do it again and again and again. But that's ok because I know who I am, in Jesus I am
free from this awful lie of perfection. And if I forget sometimes he is more then happy to remind me.
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