Anxiety

My mind seems to be bombarded lately with fear and anxiety. You know the kind that keeps you up late at night....or makes you want to burst into tears when you think about the whole mess of a situation. 

Ya. That kind. 

I've had to learn to grieve lately. Grieve the life I thought I would have. 

All the little ideas I had in my mind of what my perfect life "should" look like. I'm learning to grieve that life. 

Because to be honest my life looks nothing like that. I have my kids and my husband and they are wonderful. But for some reason things just weren't going the way I planned.

When that happens fear and anxiety start to consume you. 

I found myself staring into the eyes of my maker. Being asked the questions that are challenging me and pulling me very painfully out of my comfort zone. 

"Do you trust me?" 

Ugh....well God I thought I did. 

I can get up and preach to a crowd about your goodness and unfailing faithfulness with complete confidence that what I say is in fact true. It's when I myself have to let go of my idea of what life should be like and put it in the hands of my God that I revisit the foundation of why I believe what I believe. 

I read a quote the other day that says "Worry is believing God won't get it right."

Ouch...

Do I have such little faith that I don't even trust God to be God. 

Yes...yes yes yes!! 

My faith is not strong enough. 

Just like that God is like finally! 

When I admit that I am so weak that I need the Holy Spirit to even produce any kind of faith is the very moment when the Lord moves.

My eyes suddenly are clearer as I can see that my anxiety and my fear are all connected to earthly things. Things the world has told me I needed. 

I ask God for answers and he keeps saying "be kingdom minded."

Exodus 14:14 

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

He did. He won. It's done. 

It's done. 

I have to keep saying it, it's done. 

Everything I every had to be worried about was nailed to a cross and washed away. 

It's remembering that, which is why I daily have to get up and say God my emotions are telling me one thing but your word another. Help me get out of your way and let you do what only you can do...while I sit here in your peace.

Stepford wife challenge

Well I have finished my thirty day trial. 

To be honest I have been puttin off writing this. Not because I didn't learn and gain things from the experience. To be honest I don't know why. 

I think I started this trial because I wanted to have something to work towards, to feel like I was pushing myself to do something I could be proud of. 

I love my life, really I do.  All I've dreamed about since I was little is being a wife and mother....well now I am one, and even though this is the life I've always wanted, sometimes it feels dull. You need to spice it up. 

So I tried.

I don't know what I thought would come out of it. I knew I couldn't do everything, I knew I would fail. But I wanted to try.

So what have I learned. 

I have learned there is a difference between goals and desires. 

GOAL:     Something I want/ a purpose or objective to which I am unalterably commuted to accomplishing that I can achieve all by myself. I can do it and do it alone.

Desire: subjectively feels like something I want, that needs someone else's cooperation in order to accomplish it.

That is the most valuable thing I have learned. 

Why??? 

I had been mixing up my goals and desires. It causes me stress, heartbreak, and just everything awful. So getting those in perspective has changed the way I look...at everything. 

My marriage: 

Desires: To have a marriage where I give my love and have love returned to me. To have my husband take the role as the head of our house. To be partners in parenting and life. To be Madly in love. 

These are all nice desires. Some how though I let them make the shift from desire to goals. And if they weren't met, or if my husband didn't meet them I was angry, felt like a failure and so on. 

So I changed my thinking.

What is it I can do? 

Goals: Give love unconditionally to my husband. Let go of my control issues and let him be the head of the house. Actively seek ways to date.

I learned this because I tried. For a month I tried to be perfect...I guess in my mind I thought that my family would respond perfectly too. 

I was so so wrong, and I'm so glad they didn't. 

In my Parenting

Desires: Well behaved kids. Kind children. God loving children. Close relationships with my children.

These desires also were ones that turned into goals. 

If I just did this right and this right I would get this result

I found I was doing it in every area, trying to have control over everything that infact I never had control over. 

Eye opening to say the least. 

There are a ton of things that I will be continuing to do that I have learned from this trial. They are just minor things like cooking or cleaning. I now, however I am going to go through each area of my life and separate my desires and goals. Give my desires to the Lord where they should be, and work my butt off at my goals in every area. 

Thankful for this trial. I am not the same person I was when I first started, I am a completely changed person. I would do it again in a heartbeat. 

Thanks for joining me. I hope I was able to inspire you. 

My horrible no good very bad day

Week: 2

Today was one of THOSE days....

Early, way to early this morning both my boys burst into my room screaming at the top of their lungs "Merry Christmas". I then had to inform them that Christmas is  weeks away and that just because their is snow on the ground does not mean it Christmas. 

6:30am crying children. Yelling, crying children. Yelling crying children wake up baby the glorious start to my day. 

As I attempted to peel myself out of bed everything in my body screamed stay in bed and hide!! 

I stumbled down the stairs to quickly make my husbands lunch and start breakfast for my kiddies. I made great yogurt parfaits with blackberries and raspberries and granola. In mind my I was thinking pretty and yummy. 

My kids, not so much.

"I don't want berries".

"I want cereal...but there is no milk"

Two full melt downs and it wasn't even 7:30am yet. Impressive right. 

As we went on with our day and started school. My oldest sat at the table crying because he couldn't make his "h's" perfect. I tried explaining to him that they don't need to be perfect he just has to try. I also told him that he'll get better the more he practises. I then grabbed an old picture (or what I thought was an old picture) from the shelf and said look at this picture you coloured last year, it wasn't very good and you didn't stay in the lines but now that you've practised and your great at colouring. He looks at me with big watery eyes and exclaims "I coloured that yesterday".

#BIGfatmomfail 

He proceeded to spend the next half hour in his room crying and refusing to speak to me because I said he was bad at colouring. 

My day went on and on like that.

I'm not even going to get into how the oven started on fire at supper when I was baking my homemade cheese scones. 

Yes, my day was one of THOSE days.

I felt like throwing in the towel. More specifically I felt like throwing on my sweat pants and giving in...to the call of my couch. 

This is the part where I'd like to say God burst through the clouds with a great new perspective for me. 

NOPE! That most definitely did not happen. 

When I was settling into bed that night my husband leaned over to kiss his weary wife. I gave him a quick peck on the lips and snuggled into bed. He did not want a quick peck, he wanted sometime with his wife. 

That's when it became clear to me. 

In my life with all my responsibilities I have . After hard awful days like this one. This is the first thing to go. One of the very things that breathes life into me. 

The intimate, romantic, hilarious life giving moments I spend with my husband. 

Im so busy trying to be a good mother, making sure my kids are getting very thing they need every bit of my time and love. Or trying to do my wifely duties like cooking, cleaning laundry ect. Or serving everywhere an anywhere. That the very first thing in my life to get cut is our date night. Or our time together. 

Every single night at the day is done my husband gets my scraps. He gets the left overs from whatever kind of day I had.

When did I forget that he is and will always be the single most important person in my life. 

You can tell what you love by where your time, money and energy is spent. 

My Husband has been getting left in the dust. 

The Holy Spirit really took hold of my heart after that challenging me. If I say he is the most important person in my life then I need to guard our time together with more protectiveness then ever. Because the reality is we do have young kids, most days I will feel exhausted at the end of the day and he will get my scraps. That is why it is so important for me to take a stand and move my husband back into the priority spot he was met to be. 

Because at the end of the day when our family thrives, when Garrett and I love each other right, put each other first we become a team when it comes to life. Especially parenting and when we work together the way God intended our house is happier, and so much more full of love. 

We'll played God, well played.

This is the next change coming to our family. Nothing gets in the way of "mommy and daddy time".

Stepford wife challenge: week 1 complete

Well I survived. 

The first week of my Stepwife perfect life challenge has been insightful, challenging, inspiring and exhausting....but, I survived. 

I don't even think survived is a good way of describing it.

I thrived would be a better way of putting it. 

Going into it I was thinking hmm maybe it will be something neat to try, I might learn a few things. I see now this may just be the game changer for my life. 

I was talking with my husband as we were laying in bed yesterday, he turned to me and said "I'm really proud of you, you've done such a good job this week,

we've had a really good week."

I guess I wasn't expecting that because I was kind of floored. Looking back over the week though I realized that him and I got along really well this week. We didn't have any fights and we were really happy. 

Not that we aren't happy normally, but this week was a different kind of happy...a peaceful calm happy.

Do you ever feel as wife, especially a stay at home wife that everything you do is overlooked. That maybe no one actually sees or apprieciates what you do? 

Well I do. 

Sometimes I feel like it's just expected and certainly not appreciated.

But sitting there listening to my husband telling me that he appreciates every effort I put in this week, that I did a great job and he's proud of me. 

It wasn't the words that got me choked up. It was the look on his face, the body language he had been giving off all week. 

He was relaxed, peaceful, calm. 

Some how my crazy challenge put my husbands spirit at ease. 

Which was a goal of mine. When he walks through that front door after work I wanted him to feel like he was walking into a peaceful household. 

The Holy Spirit whispered something in my heart then, something I already knew but even so it felt like some one dropped a bucket of really icy water on me. 

I set the tone of my house. Wether it is n a caotic state or a peaceful one. I am responsible for the atmosphere of my house. 

My husband, being the head of our house sets the tone of our family. 

When he steps through that front door and the atmosphere is peaceful, it puts him at ease. Helps him to let go of the stresses of the day, which helps him to be a more loving father, husband and leader. We respond to his mood, his demeanour, his stress. When I can help him come home to a relaxing environment, I am setting up our family to win. 

So great!

This past week I didn't do everything perfect, and I probably found 100 new things to add into next week. But I am learning this everyday and kicking the laziness monster in the butt. 

This next week I am gearing up to take it to the next level, more God, more effort, better planning and we will see where that takes me. 

Oooo and this week I'm going to attempt making bread...and a bunch of other things I have no idea how to make...which is kinda exciting. Up until now my idea of cooking has kinda been how simple can I make it...and can I order it in. Soooo we will see! Especially since on Halloween I ate like a years share of candy.....#hormones

It been an awesome blessing walking through this with all of you, thanks for all the encouragement! 

Stepford wife challenge

Well I'm three days into my Stepford wife challenge and it has been so interesting. I'm learning so many things about myself and my kids, I get to come face to face with my bad habits everyday ...what a joy. 

So you have an idea of what my schedule looks like I broke a Monday down for so you can see.

MONDAY

I had set my alarm to go off at 6:45am thinking I will beat my kids up. I'll be able to prepare breakfast and have it waiting for them and my husband when they get up. I was thinking Proverbs 31:15   She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and organizes work for her servant girls.

(Man I wish I had servant girls...can I get a heck yes!)

I was all like yea I got this, I even prepped my banana muffins the night before thinking I'd be ahead of the game. 

The little rotters beat me up...nothing like waking up to your three year old telling you he took his pull up off during the night and peed the bed. YIPPIE 

So anyway I cleaned up the mess and proceeded to make my muffins thinking, look at the new Martha Stewart over here.......only to have my kids wine that they didn't like them.

Yes, the beast in me stared to stir...I felt like yelling "the go ahead and starve!". I held my tounge though and kept telling myself that the Holy Spirit gives peace and patience and that's exactly what I got when I asked "Holy spirit please help me to complete these goals I have with kindness and patience". That's when I had my first revelation. How often do I stop and pray in the moment of the situation I am going through. Not enough! 

It gave me that extra little push I needed. 

We finished our morning devotions and moved on. 

So I had the kids do their chores and ready for the day. I did my devotions while they watched right now media on their iPads. We then started school. 

Each week I do a theme with them just to make it a bit interesting. This week is ocean and we are learning with ocean themes in every subject. Everything from what sinks and what floats to goldfish math it's been a blast. 

 Then came my first real test of the day, nap time. Usually the boys would play their IPADS, Esmae and mommy would lay down. 

I put Esmae down fighting the hundred different excuses in my head at that point as to why I should lay down even just for a bit. I tried coffee...Yuck yuck yuck. Could not hold my coffee down at all soooo I had to fly solo. So I trudged on. 

My goodness, during that nap time I was able to clean the entire house with out kids distracting me. It was wonderful! 

I fought the exhaustion through that hour but in the end it just was so much better for everyone. 

We finished the rest of our school and went onto lunch. Our devos at lunch were about being appreciative...anyone guess what example I used?? At the end of lunch I had my 5 year old come up to me and apologize for being difficult in the morning. 

I wept...wept like a little baby. 

I am so quick to yell in a situation that it usually kills any opportunity I have to teach my kids. Even though I apologize after for yelling the moment is gone and they don't have the same perspective on it at all. Eye opener #2.

We went on with our day reading, laughing and I caught up on all the laundry (That never ever happens...like I've been married for 7 years and this is the first time.) 

I prepped my supper which was mozzarella stuffed meatballs in the slow cooker with low carb spaghetti. On Monday's I teach dance so I often get the sitter to make frozen pizza. It was so nice smelling the succulent smell meatballs all afternoon. 

I taught dance, came home to a clean house. 

That just doesn't happen. It was beautiful.

Until I walked to the bathroom to find underwear and socks on the floor and toothpaste everywhere. I took and deep breath and spent the 3 seconds cleaning it up this time instead of the 5 minutes lecturing my husband about all the work I had done that day and how his socks on the floor is a sign he is saying I don't care about anything you do. That was a real test ladies.

I prepped school, food and dance classes for the next day and crawled into bed for a nice cuddle with my husband before sleep. 

I then noticed something. 

My mind was clear.

Like really really clear and peaceful.

I often struggle with anxiety, especially at night. That night was different. My mind was clear and peaceful. 

I made the connection really fast but it was bang on. The state of my house is directly connected to my state of mind. 

I was blown away. Wow #3.

I was so ready and exhausted to go to bed that I was out by 10, which is not really normal for this night hawk.

It is crazy what setting goals for yourself changes in your life. Not only setting goals, but setting goals that are saturated in prayer and seeking God for your life. I increased my work load during the day and the amount of time and effort goes into planning the details, but I have also increased my God time which brings me peace that I cannot decribe. 

So my first three days have been busy and crazy. Filled with unexpected kid issues and learning to speak only positive and lovingly to my husband, looking my strongholds in the face and so much exhaustion I really could go on forever about it. But The thing I am taking away most so far is that the realization that I wasn't even aware of the large amount of things that were holding me back in my life that I was willingly giving into. 

It's a learning process and I'm excited to see where God is going to take me to with this. 

Here we go

Tonight I went and got all my last minuet Preperations for my 30day Stepford wife trial. 

One of my priorities on my list was to make healthy meals for my family. Low to no sugar and old fashioned cooking. 

Well let me tell you that is harder then it looks. I've always known that there is tons and tons of unhealthy processed food out there, but for some reason tonight at the grocery store I became extra aware of it. 

I mean I could cook and entire thanksgiving or Christmas meal and not actually do any cooking. Everything your mind can think of is in a box, or microwave friendly, or found in the frozen food isle. 

I had this moment of guilt when I found myself standing holding a box of frozen cheesy biscuits and thinking hmmm these look amazing....like red lobster biscuit amazing. While I was standing in the frozen food isle I had an inner and outer battle of do I put these in my cart or not. So I thought about what would my idea of the perfect Stepford wife/mother do...of course the conclusion I came to was bake her own.

I'm pretty sure the people passing me were thinking I was crazy putting the the biscuits in the freezer and taking them out again...then bursting into laughter at the idea of baking biscuits. 

In the end I put the biscuits back and challenged myself to once again really go all in for these thirty days and try to baking my own. 

I don't know if it's because I'm to exhausted that I don't do things like bake buns and bread for my family. Or if it's out of the convenience of having it right there only a start button away. Or if it's because I don't have time. 

I often use the excuse I don't have time then do something like watch TV like a zombie for 4 hours at night. 

Anyway I was challenged tonight to try for the best, cleanest, and yummiest food for my family this month with the majority being from SCRATCH! 

HA! We will see how that plays out. 

I haven't even stared my 30 days yet and I'm already struggling with the many excuses in my mind that daily plague me. 

But I am ready to go now, tomorrow I trade in my nice warm comfy PJs and husbands T-Shirt for a frilly apron and cooking book! 

HERE WE GO! 

My perfect life -Prep

I have been making list after list of what my "perfect life" would look like. 

So far I have the following:

Cleaning list

Meal plan list

Activity list 

Goal list 

I even have a list with time slots to make other lists

So I sat down and thought about what are my goals for this experiment with the different roles I play in my life. 

As a mother: 

- Do devotions with them morning & evening.

-Putting aside time to spend with each child. 

- Cut out TV and help them find other activites to do 

- Healthy snacks that are not processed 

( I'm going to attempt to make everything from Scratch) 

Wife:

- Take one night a week to devote all attention to my husband 

-Pray together every night 

-Only positive uplifting words come out of my mouth about him 

-Relinquish  my need to control everything and let him be the head of the house 

Friend 

- Take time to spend pouring into the people I treasure in my life 

Christian:

-Reading my bible twice a day

-Having a specific prayer time set apart 

-Find time in my day to serve those around me 

Homemaker: 

-Clean house every night before I go to sleep

-Not letting laziness take over when I should be cleaning or organizing or cooking 

- 3 square meals a day with food preparation the night before 

-Be freshened up everyday when my husband arrives home 

-Strive to make everything from scratch

Dance teacher

- Plan meaningful devotions 

- Have my lessons planned out perfectly 

- Go above and beyond my role

Worship leader

-To spend the time in prayer needed to lead a team 

-Spend the time to work on the music musically before worship 

- Come with a plan 

- Be genuinely interested in what my team members are going through 

Homeschooling parent:

- Plan out each lesson for each kid

- Be creative and fun 

- Complete all 4 days of school each week 

-Each child gets one on one time 

-Be patient and encouraging

Women: 

-Find me time 

-Pamper myself

- Spend time on a hobby 

Healthy me:

-Exercise daily 

-No eating after 730pm

-Lights out at 1030pm

- Eat whole meals (no processed food)

-Limit amount of sugar 

- Eat breakfast 

- No ordering in 

Going through and making all these goals was a little overwhelming. Achieving Stepford wife awesomeness looks like it will prove to be a challenge. 

Along with my goals I have written out schedules for my days, what goes where and what I must do when. 

What I found interesting was when I got to some of the things on my list that I decided had to go for this months trial to work I got extremely defensive. 

Napping was one of them. 

I have an 11 month old cutie who is pretty amazing, I'm absolutely loving having a girl. However my little diva is still getting up 5 times a night which can make for a tired mommy. I have decided though that the perfect housewife wouldn't take naps, so for the sake of the experiment I'm cutting my naps and taking up coffee! Which is kind of a bit scary since I have never had a cup of coffee in my life....we will see how that plays out. 

That prove though that I am already finding idols in my life, things that I am putting before everything else. I find myself already trying to think up excuses for taking a nap or not exercising or eating a bag of chips...and I love it. 

That is the exact reason I'm doing this! 

The excuses. The good intentions.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. 

I always say I want to do this or that better, lose weight, exercise more, be more patient with my kids. But instead of doing any of it I come up with award winning excuses as to why I can't or won't. 

I have decided I don't want my life to be a life of excuses or good intentions. I want it to be a life that is full of action. 

So nervous to take this journey but I am already learning things so I know this is going to be an adventure.